mommy guilt

I have been struggling with 'mommy guilt' lately.

I am sad that I have to work outside of my home. How I wish I could stay home with my babies. Unfortunately, working is something I must do. Insurance and a pay check are a must, but still... I just have a deep desire to be home. Probably it is one of those classic cases of 'you always want what you can't have.'

I came to this realization about a month ago. Someone asked my why in the world I do some of the things that I do. (I mostly use cloth diapers on Baby Boy, and I make all of his baby food.) I really think that it is because I can't be home. I have the need to do things for him beacuse I can't be there.

The guilt really started with JT. I knew he needed to be home with me. Dang, he really still does. Don't get me wrong; I adore his preschool. However, we had issues with his infant caregiver. I think part of the reason his gross motor skills were delayed was that he was allowed no freedom to move around. I am pretty sure he was cooped up in a playppen/bouncy seat/excersaucer except when I picked him up. I knew he needed to be somewhere else, but there was nowhere else for him to go. I had to choose the lesser of evils. Childcare is one of the horrible things about living somewhere rural. His preschool is wonderful. You know somewhere is good by the amount of teachers' kids there. I hazard to guess that 85% of the kis there are teachers' kids. We are a picky lot about our level of care, so that percentage says a lot about the place.

Baby Boy has the best care situation. My best friend watches him. He is her baby. He adores her and she adores him. Her kids dote on him. I just am sad because I am missing so much of his life. He spends more time with her than he does with me, and that just sucks.

Just had a melancholy mommy moment. Such is life.